


Last Chance for Salvation

by eyeless_soul



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-03-12 07:15:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3348320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyeless_soul/pseuds/eyeless_soul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer is hooked on Dilaudid. Every time he uses it, he promises himself that will be the last time and it never is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elemental_sorceress1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elemental_sorceress1/gifts).



Spencer knew that what he was doing was wrong. He knew that he should have told them about Tobias shooting him up with Dilaudid. He knew that he shouldn't have stolen the vials off of Tobias' dead body and he certainly shouldn't have decided that carrying them in his messenger bag was a good idea.

He tried leaving the vials at home. He tried this as a test for himself. A way of saying that he didn't need it, that he wasn't addicted and that he could stoip at any time.

The first couple hours he immersed himself in his reports. He made sure that he kept his mind busy. By lunch time he felt like there were bugs in his viens, his skin was itchy and his head felt like it was going to explode. By break time he was bitchy and irritable. He knew when he left his apartment that this wasn't going to be easy and he knew that if he was going to keep this a secret he was going to have to do a lot better than he was..

Morgan watched the young genius from his desk. He'd been worried that maybe Reid had been reinstated at work too soon. He knew that the young man had been through a lot, and that he blamed himself for a lot. He knew that getting Reid to realize that it wasn't his fault and that it could have happened to any of them wasn't going toi be an easy task.

Spencer was watching the clock out of the corner of his eye. He needed to go home. He almost debated with the idea of telling Hotch that he wasn't feeling well and asking to go home. But he knew that he couldn't do that. He needed everyone (including Strauss who he knew was watching himn very closely) to believe that allowing him to come back to work hadn't been a mistake, that he was mentally, emotionally and physically healthy. So he just continued to work on his reports and clock watch.

Morgan left his desk and went to Hotch's office to talk to the unit chief. While he talked he was looking out at the bull pen, specifically looking at his pretty boy. He knew that there was something wrong, Spencer was hiding something. Derek was worried and determined to figure out what that was, and he was sure that Hotch felt the same way.

Without turning around Morgan began to speak. "I know that there is either something wrong with Reid, or he's hiding something." Morgan ran his hands over his head. "Man, I just wish that he'd talk to me; or someone at least. I don't like the fact that he's being so secretive."

Hotch nodded. "I understand and share your concern but you know that there's no use in trying to get Reid to talk if he doesn't want to. I know that you're worried; but right now the best thing that you can do is wait."

Derek nodded, still staring at Reid. The young genius had finished with his reports and was back to staring at the clock and impatiently tapping his foot.

As 5 pm hit, Morgan watched as Spencer all but ran out the door. He knew that he had to talk to the kid but without knowing what was wrong he was sort of in the dark. He knew that Reid could be a very private person, and the last thing that he wanted was to come off like he was prying. He knew that if Spencer thought he was prying he would think that he couldn't trust Derek or think that he couldn't talk to him or trust him and that would be bad. He shook his head as Reid disappeared into the elevator, he was at a complete loss of what to do.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this chapter is so short. I hope that you enjoy it anyway.

Spencer stepped into his darkened apartment. He knew that he’d been too anxious at work but there was nothing that he could do about that now. He turned on several lights and made sure that his door was locked. He hung up his coat, toed off his shoes and walked to his room. 

            He sat on his bed. There were a lot of things that he knew that he should do. He should eat; take a shower, maybe read a bit. But he wasn’t up to doing any of that. He was staring off into space. He knew what he wanted but he knew that sooner or later the Dilauddid would either kill him or he would be caught and that would end his career.

            He put his head in his hands as his shoulders shook with the force of his sobs. His skin itched, he felt like there were spiders crawling in his veins and his stomach was starting to cramp. He let the tears rolls down his face. He had no idea how he managed to let himself fall so far.

            He took a deep breath. He needed to calm down. He needed to get his head on straight and he needed everyone around him to believe that he was fine. Against his better judgement, he opened the drawer that held his vials and needles, he could picture himself sitting them in the garbage and never thinking of it again. But he knew that as things were he wouldn’t be able to do that. He filled a syringe with the drug and slid the needle into his arm. Even as the warm, fuzzy feeling he’d came to associate with the drug, filled him he couldn’t help the tears that fell from his eyes.

            He’d never felt so ashamed but he knew that he was powerless to stop it.


	3. Chapter 3

Derek watched as Reid walked into work the next morning. The kid looked exhausted; he walked as if there was a crushing weight on his shoulders. Derek was afraid that if he didn’t talk to the kid soon Reid would do something drastic.

            Reid felt absolutely miserable. When he got up that morning he swore that he would never use Dilaudid again. And now as he stepped off the elevator he was certain that he could feel everyone staring at him, silently passing judgement over him, silently knowing what he’d done at home and ridiculing him for it. He knew that realistically speaking no one could know, it was hi own feelings of guilt making him paranoid and irrational. And he knew that as terrible as it was, a lot more was going to have to happen to make him stop.

            He quietly walked to his desk, putting his messenger bag under his desk and proceeding to go through his reports; making sure that they were perfect before handing them in. He knew that there was nothing wrong with the reports but he needed something to keep his mind occupied.

            Derek watched the young genius. The more he watched him, the more he realized that Reid was just going through the motions. If he was going to save Reid he was going to have to make his move or risk losing him forever.

            He decided that ambushing the young man while they were at work was not the smartest of plans. He was stumped, he knew that if he asked him to come over, Spencer would be nothing but suspicious. No, if this was going to happen it would have to be somewhere that Reid was comfortable. He knew what he was going to do.

            Reid was immersing himself with his work, going through reports at a speed that was fast even for him. He was trying not to think of the things he’d done, the act that he felt everyone secretly judging him for. He was so lost in his won feelings of misery, that were mixed with the notion that he’d betrayed his team and was somehow on his way to either rehab or jail, that he never heard Derek get up from his desk, nor did he hear him walk over to Spencer’s.

            When Derek finally spoke Reid jumped with a quick intake of breath, which Derek was certain, would have been an unguarded scream or a squeak had he had enough air.

            “Hey Pretty boy. What’s the hurry? Big date tonight?” Derek flashed a smile.

            Reid looked up and smiled back, although it didn’t escape Morgan that his smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Not likely. It’s just been a long day and I’m looking forward to going home.”

            Derek was sceptical of what Spencer said. He knew that the kid was ling, what he didn’t understand was why. It just didn’t make sense. Spencer wasn’t one for lying so Derek didn’t understand what was so important that he’d start now. “I just thought that maybe you’d like to go for coffee tonight?”

            Spencer knew that he should say yes. But his blood was a raging fire in his veins, he felt like there were millions of bugs crawling all over his skin, his stomach was starting to cramp, he had the beginnings of the shakes and a headache. “I’m sorry Derek. Not tonight. Maybe next time.”

            Derek tried not to show his disappointment. If Spencer was saying that he didn’t feel like coffee, then the situation was more serious then he thought.


	4. Chapter 4

            In the safety of his apartment with all of the doors and windows locked he felt like he could finally breathe. He sat on the floor in his living room knowing what he wanted to do. But he also knew that he had to smarten up, if he wanted to keep his secret a secret.

            Derek on the other hand had followed Spencer home. He had originally was going to wait and let Spencer come to him but he was afraid that Spencer was going to be beyond help before that happened. He waited in his car down the road. He didn’t want to make Reid feel as though he was being stalked or ambushed. But he knew that if he waited too long then he would lose his nerve.

            So he quickly got out of his car and he knocked on Spencer’s door. He heard something get knocked over and Reid muttered under his breath. He opened the door and was clearly surprised by who was on the other side.

            “Derek.”

            Before Derek said anything he quickly studied the young genius’ appearance. For someone who just got home he looked dishevelled and uncomfortable. His eyes were rimmed red, he was shaky slightly and he was very pale. “I think that we need to talk.”

            Reid moved his hair out of his face. “Does it have to be now?”

            Derek noted that Spencer’s attitude was non-chalant but his eyes had a pleading look to them. “Yes, I don’t think that it will take all that long.”

            Spencer nodded, stepping aside so that Derek could step inside. It was clear that something was going very wrong with Reid. His apartment was usually cluttered but neat; right now it resembled a dumping ground.

            Reid sat on the couch (the couch was one of the only pieces of furniture that wasn’t cluttered with notebooks, writing utensils, books and piles of folders, Derek sat beside him.

            “I know that there is something going on and I’m not leaving until you tell me what exactly is going on. I want to help you but you have to let me.”

            Spencer felt like he was 5 years old and everything seemed impossibly big. He trusted Derek and he knew that telling Derek should have been simple but he was terrified of disappointing him or worse.

            Derek began to gently rub Spencer’s back. Spencer all but melted; Derek’s hands were big and warm and despite all the shit that Spencer was facing at the moment, he felt marginally safe. “Come on Pretty Boy.”

            Spencer leaned against Derek, “I don’t know how or where to start. I’m not sure I can tell you. I know that there will be consequences to my actions. I just don’t know if I’m ready to face them.”

            Derek knew that it had to be pretty serious; Spencer had tears brimming his eyes. It was hard to see him like this but Derek was pretty sure that Spencer was ready to unload anything and everything. “Just take a deep breath and start. This is me we are talking about. If I think Hotch or Strauss need to be alerted we’ll talk about it. But right now, it’s just us.”

            Spencer took a deep breath. He knew that Derek’s offer of not telling Hotch or Strauss until they discussed it, if they had to be told at all was as good as he was liable to get. “I need help. I’m not sure how I let things get so far out of hand. I’m smarter than this, I’m smart enough to know that what I’m doing is wrong and that if I keep this up it will eventually kill me. And every time I do it, I feel so ashamed but I don’t want anyone knowing what I’ve done. Every time I do it I swear it’ll be the last time but it never is.” As he talked Spencer couldn’t will himself to look at Derek.

            Derek felt as though the answer as to what was wrong with Spencer was right in front of his face. But there were dots he couldn’t connect. “Reid, I’m afraid you’re going to have to be a bit more clearer than that.”

            Spencer took a deep breath. He knew that a big part of recovery process was being able to admit that you have a problem and then being able to tell someone what that problem was. He did the first part. Spencer deflated against his couch. “It’s in my messenger bag which is beside my bed. I don’t want to talk anymore.”

            Derek was about to insist that Reid tell him what this was about but the defeated look in Reid’s eyes and the way his shoulders slumped, the way his head hung, made Derek abandoned that plan and just walked into Reid’s bedroom.

            Reid cringed as he heard Derek walk into his room and he dumped the contents of the bag onto the bed. Reid couldn’t help the tears that escaped as he heard Morgan exhale out a soft “oh Reid”. Derek left everything on the bed and walked back into the living room.  

            “Why didn’t you tell anyone that it had gotten this bad?” Derek knew that the kid wasn’t doing well; no one had expected him to be at 100 percent. According to his psych evaluation he was progressing as well as could be expected, but that was the problem with dealing with a genius. He knew that Reid would know all of the right answers to say that would allow him to stay active, but he also knew that Spencer was smart enough to realize that lying to get what he wanted wouldn’t help him.

            Spencer couldn’t bring himself to look at Derek; he was afraid of the anger or disappointment that he would see in those normally gentle eyes. “I thought I could handle it. I thought I was smart enough not to get caught in this trap. I’m sorry Derek.” He still couldn’t look at Derek. He knew that with the confession that he just gave, Derek could end his career. He waited for Derek to speak.

            Derek knew that he should at least tell Hotch about what was going on. He knew that Hotch would sympathise with Reid, he would be able to look at him as a person and a co-worker not just an FBI asset. That seemed to be the favourable option as opposed to what would happen if he told Strauss. Strauss would unintentionally ruin any chance that Reid would have of a quiet recovery and remaining with the BAU.

            Derek sat next to Spencer. “There are a couple of things that I’m going to do. First, I’m going to go through every inch of this apartment, I’m getting rid of every vial, bottle and needle. While I’m doing that you’re going to call Hotch and request a couple of personal days. We’re going to get you clean and I know that this is going to be painful but it’s the best way. This way there will be nothing to track.”

            Reid nodded. The way that he saw it, this was much more leniency then he deserved. He knew that things could have ended much worse.

            At first the withdrawls weren’t that bad. He was just really cold and no matter what he did he just couldn’t seem to get warm. Within a few hours he was shaking and he couldn’t stop his teeth from chattering. And then the pains in his stomach started. When the first pain hit, it hadn’t been that bad; it felt like a slight clenching of his stomach muscles. It was just painful enough to force him to inhale sharply, but just as suddenly as it started it stopped.

            By that evening Spencer was curled into the fetal position, rocking back and forth, tears running down his face as one wave of cramps after another ripped through his thin frame.

            Derek would rub his back or his belly as the worst of the cramps would hit him, during the times when the cramps subsided he would sponge bathe him, help him change his clothes and get him back into bed.

            As Spencer lay curled onto his side, letting himself be surrounded by the feeling of Derek’s big, warm hands on his body he realized why Derek had told him that doing it cold turkey was best; if there ever was a time that he thought about using again; and the feelings of guilt and shame were not enough to keep him away from it, there would be the memories of how much pain getting the drug out of his system had caused. He was certain that it would be enough to keep him away for good. He fell asleep knowing that the worst of it was over (or at least he hoped it was) and that ne still had his job but more importantly Derek hadn’t left him.

             Derek watched the young man sleep. Once he was sure that Spencer was totally asleep he went into the kitchen and called Hotch. He stood in the living room, peering into the bedroom making sure that Reid stayed asleep.

            “Hotchner.”

            “Hey Hotch, it’s Morgan. You were right but hr’s past the worst of the withdrawls and I’ve collected all of his drugs and paraphernalia. I think that he’s smart enough to realize that this is his second chance. I don’t think that he’ll go anywhere near the stuff again.”

            Hotch nodded. “Are you coming back to the office?”

            Derek shook his head. “No. I think that he needs someone here tonight.”

            “Okay. For his sake and the sake of his career I hope that you’re right.”

            Derek smiled, “I know that I am.”


	5. Chapter 5

When Spencer arrived at the BAU a few days later almost everyone noticed a change in him. There was an almost noticeable spring in his step, he looked like he’d gotten some decent sleep and the colour had returned to his face. In other words, it didn’t look like he was about to faint.

            In truth, as Spencer sat at his desk he felt better than he had inn months. He watched as Morgan sat at his own desk. It was then that he realized just how lucky he was. Although he’d screwed up, he was fortunate enough to still be employed at a job that he loved doing and dating a man that he was certain that he wanted to grow old with.

            His computer dinged, letting him know that he had received an e-mail. He opened it and began to read:

 

 _Pretty Boy_ ,                                                     

_I don’t care what happens, I don’t care what sort of trouble you get yourself in, don’t ever be afraid to tell me. I know that you want to believe that since you’re a genius that you’re immune to difficult life situations or personal problems but the fact is that everyone gets them. I’m in this for the long haul but if this is going to work we need to communicate. You accept me for who I am, and for all of my past. I will do the same for you. I love you._

_-Derek_

Spencer knew that this was just an e-mail, but it spoke volumes on how Derek truly felt. Derek had a hard time expressing himself and just the fact that he’d typed ‘I love you’ was special. Spencer grinned even wider as he typed his reply.

 

_I love you too._

He knew that everything was going to be okay. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He was clean from Dilaudid, working, surrounded by his family and with the man that he loved. His life was perfect.


End file.
